Becoming One

The world has been consumed by a plague - which I call "pathological sensuality". If we are not staying plugged in to our source of righteousness, we will fall prey to this plague.

Dear kingdom brothers,

Married men: Scripture admonishes you to love your own wife. You are to admire her best qualities and honor her above every other woman. Ask God to help you focus on what you love about your wife and to become more patient with the characteristics which may actually irritate you. Ask Him to help you walk faithfully in your marriage covenant; and in your mind.

Single men: I strongly urge you to labor with God to stay your mind and heart upon Him. Work to overcome the world's ideas about love and sexuality. Ask God to help you see these issues the way He sees them and to learn to love what He loves and hate what He hates.

Beloved Kingdom Sisters,

Scripture, also, gives clear directive to God’s daughters (who sparkle with God's own light). Godly women must be modest in appearance and behavior, devoted to learning and following God's statutes and decrees. We must work to control our emotions and desires.

Married women: You are to love and nurture your own husband and, if/when applicable, your children; to be honorable, wise with your families resources and devoted to helping your family maintain a commitment to moral and spiritual purity.

Single women: You are also to be modest, honorable, devoted to God and His kingdom, to be thoughtful, respectful in your demands and to serve others as if you are serving God, Himself. 

For the record; modesty does not mean ugly or plain. Modesty is the art of concealing aspects of our being to reserve them for someone or something. Concealing portions of your being causes greater appreciation of your unique nature.

The first thing God said after He separated the man and woman is that they must again “become one flesh”. The man must lovingly take his wife (back) unto himself, and the woman must willingly (return) to oneness with her husband.  

This is not an easy thing to do even when both partners understand and agree to extend the effort required. It is extremely difficult if one partner is uncommitted, unwilling to learn or not not a believer. I encourage you to not give up. Besides time, love is the greatest tool we have, so be patient and loving. Try hard to keep your expectations in check and do not compare your spouse with the spouse of others!  

In Ecclesiastes 4:12c King Solomon noted that; "a threefold cord is not easily broken". In marriage, the three folds of the metaphoric "cord" are, of course, the man and woman in a relationship where the Ruach Hakodesh [God's Holy Spirit] is the central, binding element which creates a level of oneness not actually possible on our own.  

For Married Couples:

The way we keep God's Ruach at the center of our relationship is to serve God together in each area of our labors; whether in parenting, finances, assigning priorities, being part of a body of believers, setting aside time and space for unified Bible study, prayer and intimacy, outreach to those around us... This requires finding mutual ground and a level of compromise in every area. This is a big and painful requirement to fulfill.

If you are single:  You are called to already be completely focused on making the transition to unity with The King and helping others understand and embrace this truth.

Write a paragraph about issues in your own life which may be preventing a deeper connection with the one you must become “one” with; the Last Adam.  

Note to singles, I am not saying God won't have an earthly partner for you in the future, however, getting married should never be your focus. Keep your eyes on your king and trust that He will bring all that is good for you. Let Him direct your path.  

If you are married to a believer who is ready to grow together:

Male- you are called to picture Adam and draw your wife back to loving-oneness with yourself.

Female- picture Havah and draw back to loving-oneness with your husband:    

Write a paragraph about issues you see in your own marriage which prevent you and your spouse from functioning as a single unit. Work together to try to formulate a plan going forward. Note, you are not to be offended at the insight your partner shares in good faith. The goal is to become eager to gain insight from your mate so you can become an overall -- better person and work with your spouse to build a consistently deeper and stronger bond of intimacy - together. 

If you cannot get through these issues peacefully, I recommend enlisting the help of your Rabbi, Pastor, Godly marriage counseling or a Godly older couple with a truly successful marriage who have relied on a spirit of equity to build a sense of oneness.

Put your plan in a place where you both see it regularly and vow to begin to, through real effort and dedication, make the positive changes needed so you can continue to build better communication, collaboration and compassion for one another. Vow also, to be patient with one another; after all, we all struggle with some level of fear, anxiety, regret, and obsession with self. Make sure you acknowledge your partner's efforts!

If your spouse is not a believer, is not fully committed to grow together, or does not, yet, comprehend this mystery of oneness 

First, I want you to know you may have the most vital and beautiful ministry opportunity. It should be your focus to make it possible and attractive for your spouse to accept and commit to true intimacy with you and, of course, with God.

Make room near you for your spouse but don’t push. Proceed gently and sensitively, and do not compare your spouse with any one else --- or with anyone else's husband or wife; do not even allow such thoughts in your mind. If God brought your spouse, or if He blesses your union moving forward, the least you can do is to be thankful for the unique person He brought into your life and how God is molding you into a unified partnership.

Questions for all couples:

Find a spot where you and your spouse can be alone and give your spouse absolute permission to be completely open and honest. Ask the following questions (in your own words of course): By the way, take notes of your partner's answers.

1) Do you like where we are as a couple?

Be ready to explain that this includes individual issues, but actually refers to your overall relationship i.e. the big picture. Again, you absolutely cannot be upset with your partner if he/she is opening his/her heart to you --- even if it hurts!

2) Are there things in our past that might hinder our relationship growing closer?

Be ready. The chances of an honest "no" answer are extremely low. You need to get yourself into a very humble place before you even sit down with your spouse so you won't have faulty expectations of them being happier than reality will allow. Go into this expecting to learn what has been lacking or even wrong in your relationship so you can begin to make it right. If, or better yet, when your partner reveals distressful issues, write them down and make it your passion to work to change that behavior or lacking so you and your spouse can walk together in a greater level of shalom. 

3) Do you think I listen to you and support you in living your best life?

Answering the question of whether your partner listens to you is a hard one to articulate beyond the basic "yes or no" response. If your partner's answer is even a tentative "yes", be assured he/she is acknowledging you do not "hear" what they say. One reason you may not be hearing your partner is that we all have a past, and our past becomes a lens through which we decipher our experiences in the present and build our expectations of the future. It is all too easy to recklessly jump to the conclusion that this person is the same as someone from our past and stop listening. 

Note: the person you are with is not the person you were with before, and it is not fair to treat them like they are and stop taking what they have to say to heart. 

As far as being strong support for your partner, just ask what you can do to be there for them. Make sure you fulfill the position they give you to the very best of your ability.

4) Do you feel loved and appreciated?

Mental health experts will tell you that love and appreciation are two of the basic human needs and two of the most important elements of a happy marriage. Love and appreciation go hand in hand. If you truly feel loved, you also feel appreciated, and if you truly feel appreciated you also feel loved.

Allow me to caution you that the commitment that is love is often confused with the emotion that is lust. Love and lust are radically different topics, and whereas lust is easy and happens naturally, love requires making a choice, a commitment and mustering the determination to carry it through. 

In Sonnet #116 Shakespeare asks, "Is love a fancy or a feeling?" He then concludes, "Oh no, it is an ever fixed mark which looks on tempests and is never shaken".

Love is not an emotion, therefore, it cannot be emotional. If we take our commitment seriously, we will dedicate ourselves to invest the time, energy and focus required to keep our covenant relationship with our spouse moving forward so we grow closer together --- to become one.

Appreciation is associated with thankfulness. Although being appreciative does not use as much of our energy as love; it does require dedication and reason to ensure our spouse knows we sincerely appreciate their loyalty, commitment and hard work to be sensitive of our needs and supportive of our endeavors.

5) Are there other things I do or don't do that make it hard for you to be happy and contented in this relationship with me?

We all want to be happy and contented in our relationships, and we want to know our spouse feels the same. Even if you or your spouse has revealed anxieties or disappointments with the history of your relationship, you can forgive each other for the apathy and/or bad choices which have caused you to drift apart or feel resentful of one another. Ask God to turn you around together and help you to muster the drive and wisdom to build a lasting bond of love together.

If you and your spouse are not doing these studies together, instigating this discussion will surely take your partner by surprise, and he/she may not be ready to give quality feedback about where you are as a couple. Make sure you say this discussion does not have to be concluded immediately. It is perfectly acceptable to agree on a time, date and place where you can come together again and continue to share your view of what has happened in your relationship up until now and how you want to move forward together.  

For those with an unbelieving or uncommitted spouse, ask God to show you the issues that are keeping your spouse from committing to a relationship with the Lord. Ask also, that He will help you to understand your past mistakes. Commit to not using any issue God, or your spouse reveals -- as a weapon against your spouse; even in the most heated arguments. Ask God to help you make a list of the things you need to stop doing and a list of the things you need to begin. These will probably begin as simple gestures which will be sustainable for you. You must be consistent once you begin to make the changes God reveals to you. If you mess up ask forgiveness from God --- and your spouse. 

In all cases, it is always helpful to find a committed, mature believer, or in the case of a married couple--- usually a committed, mature, believing, couple, to coach and hold you accountable for the changes you instigate as part of this exercise. 

I wish you all the best!  M